Daddy Issues

Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.
Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
– Carl Jung

The first man in every woman’s life is her father.  The father has a critical role setting the tone of how a girl appraises her value and how she expects to be treated by men.  If a girl grows up with a physically and/or emotional absent father a void is present and the void is often accompanied by an emotionally painful wound and a fear of abandonment. The void created by the absence of the critically important father, is filled on an unconscious level with an image of an ideal man.  A woman is prone to project the image of her ideal man onto men she thinks are potential mates.  This prevents a woman from being able to see reality and accurately appraise a potential mate as suitable or not.

Here is how it plays out:  A woman with Daddy issues meets a man and her projection of an ideal man is triggered.  She sees her new man from the lens of illusion, gives him status he has not earned, and immediately wants to bond with him.  He may be unsuitable in many ways, but she can’t see this.  The healthy process of appraising and qualifying the man as a suitable partner is absent.  In a sense her inner child is choosing the man and wants the Daddy she never had.  Thus far this is not a conscious process.  The woman is not thinking consciously that she wants Daddy.  As often happens in this scenario, the man, who might have appeared charming and present for a relationship initially, becomes distant and withholding of love, thus triggering the woman’s painful wound and abandonment issues.

Crying woman

This scenario can play out over and over again with different potential mates, concluding with a deep heartbroken feeling and a feeling of abandonment.  In a reading the pain of the deep wound is usually obvious.  This scenario repeats itself because the woman enters each relationship with a void she expects the man to fill and a wound she turns to the man to heal.  However, the man ends up doing the opposite.  He withdraws and triggers the pain of the deep wound as he departs.

In order to heal this wound and transcend the pattern of wanting love and having it withheld, consciousness is required.  One must become aware of their relationship patterns and shift the focus from the man and the relationship to oneself.   Carl Jung called a woman’s inner (unconscious) male aspect, the Animus.  Part of the process of evolution out of lower states of being is to become that which the woman wants the man to be for her.  In other words, a woman must parent herself and be the caring and self esteem promoting father she never had.  If you think you have Daddy Issues I recommend reading the edited works of Carl Jung about the Animus.  Keeping record of your dreams and analyzing them can be invaluable.  In my experience when unconscious content is accepted and brought into the light of consciousness, transformation, both within a person and in their outside environment, can be instant!  If you require assistance analyzing your dreams, as the unconscious speaks a language all its own, please contact me and book a session.

Below I have listed steps to help you on your journey to a healthy, loving, and mutually supportive relationship with yourself first, then with a partner.

1. STOP the search for love.    The pattern of seeking a man to fill the void and heal the wound must be stopped.  I have experienced clients, who in order to lessen the pain and abandonment they feel when a relationship ends, want the next man to come into their life right away.  Though the man may be different the pattern of wanting love and having it withheld is the same and plays out again and again.  Entering a relationship with a void brings predictable results.  At this important first step the focus must shift from men and relationships to oneself.

You may be currently experiencing the pain of your wound.  You may think you are mourning the loss of a certain man, but allow yourself to go deeper.  Recognize that the pain is familiar to you and is not isolated to the current man you are mourning.  Most likely the pain you feel is your inner child wanting Daddy, wanting the love she didn’t have.  Now is the time to become responsible for your inner child.  Be there for her.  It is you and not a man that can help her.  Step in and step up for that part of yourself, your inner child.  Talk to your inner child and form a bond with her.  When your inner child is triggered and you feel the pain of the wound sit with love and compassion for that part of yourself.  She can be healed and only you can do it.

This is the time to grow into thoroughly enjoying your own company.  Do things that interest you, expand yourself by learning something you have always wanted to learn.  Start a journal of your thoughts and feelings.  It is time to cultivate the most important relationship in your life; the relationship you have with yourself.  I recommend getting a guided meditation CD and meditating at least 10 minutes a day.  Meditation is a great way to connect with yourself and balance your energies.

This first stage can also be called the Goddess stage because you are connecting to your feminine power.  You will discover who you are outside of the attention of men and relationship dramas.  When you connect to your inner Goddess you will feel empowered, time will become your friend and you will have a knowing that the right man will come to you when you are ready.

2. Harvest Your Fruit:  All of your past relationships have left you with immense blessings that you can now claim.  Each relationship revealed what you need to heal and take responsibility for.  Initially you might of thought your pain was about a specific man or relationship failure, but really the pain/wound was already there and it got triggered.  At this stage you will be able to see why your past relationships did not work out and even be thankful that they didn’t because you will be able to see the men from a clearer vantage point.  What red flags did you miss or ignore?  Did you try to bond with a man before you had discovered who he is, if he was stable, and if he was a suitable match for you?  You probably have a great deal of data from your relationship experiences that can now serve you in infinite ways.  In this stage you can awaken to what your true motivations were in selecting your past partners and holding onto a relationship that was not quite right.

3. Clarify What You Want:  Make a list of the qualities that you value in a person.  For example, honesty, humor and genuineness are desirable qualities in a man.  You can further harvest fruit from your past relationships by identifying the qualities in your exes that you did not like and that were detrimental to a healthy relationship.  Qualities like, dishonest, fickle, and irresponsible.  Whatever qualities you list that you value the most, give time to assess whether you also possess those qualities.  Once you are clear about what qualities you value then you can make a commitment to yourself.  For example, if you value honesty and stability then when you meet a man allow time to discover whether he possesses those qualities before you bond with him.  If he is wonderful is so many ways, but lacks honesty and stability, which you have deemed important, then you must move on.

Stage 3 is usually what a father does for a daughter.  He wants to know who she is dating and if they measure up.  By becoming clear of your values and then committing to them, you are being your own parent, establishing your worth and honoring yourself.

Happy woman

 If you are currently mourning the loss of a man and there is a voice in your head telling you if only he would come back, if only he would change, if only he would commit, if only he would love me or be how he was in the beginning, then recognize that is the illusion talking.  It is not the man who holds the keys to your happiness, it is you!

I am here to help you on your journey if you feel you need outside assessment and guidance.  Sometimes having someone shine a light on the path makes it much easier to walk.  Feel free to visit Your Love Psychic and book a session.

Love and Smiles,

Valerie
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Valerie Alexander

About Valerie Alexander

Relationship dynamic specialist: Love Psychic and Energy Reader
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