Why Men Pull Back And What Not To Do About It

It was all going so well.  He was calling consistently, you were seeing each other regularly and then poof he disappears!  What happened and where did he go?  Listed below are the three main reasons men pull back* and what not to do about it.

1. Intensity of Feelings –  A common misconception is that men pull back because they are not interested.  Though it is sometimes the case that he is just not into you, in readings I at times see another reason; His feelings are growing.  Women are much more comfortable with feelings than men.  When a man’s feelings become intense he will freak out on some level and pull back.  He knows he is headed into the territory of love and if he is not careful he can lose himself by crossing the point of no return.  At least that is what it feels like for a man, that a part of him could be given up forever.  On a subconscious level he fears he will lose control of himself, control over his life and his independence.  It is a real fear because allowing love to flow can change everything.  In my opinion it is healthy for a man to pull back because his feelings for you are intense and growing by the day.

2. It Is A Test –  This reason for a pull back may be coupled with the other reasons listed.  When a man pulls back he knows you will notice and he can become very curious and watchful concerning how you handle it.  On some level he wants to maintain autonomy as opposed to let nature take its course and merge into love with you.  If you fail this test, by not allowing space, he could feel less challenged and somewhat relieved that the stakes are not as high as he thought and you may not be his dream girl after all.  The  reactions that you should absolutely not engage in are listed below.

3.  The Need for Space – Taking space is healthy and giving it is also healthy.  Space promotes balance, introspection and insight.  Sometimes the reason for a pull back is really simple and undramatic.  Dr. Gray told us in, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, that men go into their cave when they need alone time.  In relationship readings I have seen men in their cave/taking a time out, and it is true, they usually emerge with fresh insights and missing you!  If your man has a heavy work load or demands on him he will need some form of space to process things and find balance.


What Not To Do When A Man Pulls Back

When a man pulls back you may feel panic and if you have abandonment or control issues they will get triggered.  My advise, do NOT react!  It is not compulsory to compensate for what someone else is not doing.  In matters of love, compensation can be a trap and like most traps the one caught in it can get bruised and stuck in an undesirable pattern.

If he is not calling do not compensate by calling him.  If he is not initiating do not  compensate by initiating with him.  If he has stopped pursuing you do not start pursing him.  I have done readings for women who have compensated for what the man was not doing and unfortunately things stayed the same.  The woman wanted the man to act like a man again and she wanted to be the feminine woman, yet she could not be feminine as long as she assumed the masculine role.  Also women who compensate can grow bitter and resentful over time.  Not allowing space is about control and it backfires and usually only prolongs the pull back as well as damages the rapport with your loved one.  Allowing space is an act of love.

Everything in life has an ebb and flow, yet when relationships are in the ebb part of the cycle one is tempted to feel that it will never flow again and so they try to force it into a flow, which never works.  I have found that men rarely plan for taking space nor do they  announce they are going to take space.  They just do it and this can be quite disturbing.  Knowing what is going on and when to expect communication can be extremely beneficial information, thus it is a focus of many of the psychic readings I provide.

In summation, when your man pulls back:

  • Don’t react
  • Don’t try to compensate for it
  • Don’t try to control it
  • Don’t try to shorten it

Take the opportunity to re-center yourself  and focus on your life, your joys and live.  He will be back in pursuit again.  Give him space to chase.


* In this blog post I am only covering the healthy and easily managed reasons men pull back.  The unhealthy reasons men pull back may be elaborated on in another blog.  In the meantime if you want to know the reasons your man has pulled back please contact me for a reading.

Smiles and love,


Your Love Psychic


Thanks to Kongsky for image use. :)


Valerie Alexander

About Valerie Alexander

Relationship dynamic specialist: Love Psychic and Energy Reader
This entry was posted in Relationship Dynamics, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to Why Men Pull Back And What Not To Do About It

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  4. Lita says:

    It feels so good to ask the universe for an ‘answer’ and then suddenly I find your fascinating article and input on why men ‘pull back’… My boyfriend has pulled back and I wasnt sure of how to act or say until I read this… Im so in love with him, we just started the relationship but we have been ‘friends with benefits’ for about 1 yr now.. I have known him since I am 17 and we are 27 now. We have an intense sexual chemistry but I could not keep sleeping with him buecause I was getting so attached to him, so I told him this, and he asked me to be his girlfriend and said he feels the same way. But a few days ago, I noticed him strange and now he has been ‘silent’ for 2 days… Im giving him his space and will wait until he comes back… Im hoping he will and things will be ok.. Thank you very much for this great article! :)

  5. kazz says:

    Help i have just done all the things that you said not to do tand more , ive even accused him of talking with someone else , i messaged him the other evening and he totally blanked me!! any advice please on how i can re-balance my emotions they are all over the place…………

  6. Lucille says:

    Dear Valerie, I just came across your blog and is amazing, so helpful! Thank you! I’ve recently had a situation that had never happened to me before. I met a guy on a dating website. We started to text each other just having normal conversations and it felt natural for me to meet him for a coffee. We met and on the first date we spent 7 hours together. It turned out that we had lot in common and for what I saw we were similar people with similar live experiences and we were on the same page about many many things. All went incredibly good. On the second date as well. We were texting each other regularly and expressing the joy to have met! After the second date he texted saying he was sorry but couldn’t continue seeing me. He talked about a recent break up and that with me he had realized he was not ready yet and he was not writing our story in a blank page. I was totally cool about it and told him I understood how he felt. We haven’t texted each other ever since. Am I acting correctly? Is there a chance he will appear after sorting out his feelings? It was like a dream now…

    • Hi Lucille,
      Thank you for writing and sharing your experience. I feel you acted perfectly! Of course there is a chance he will reappear after sorting out his feelings, however I would have to look at your situation in order to see the dynamic between the two of you and his current orientation towards you. Feel free to book a session at http://www.yourlovepsychic.com if you would like to know more. I am here when you need me. :)Valerie

  7. Anon says:

    How long does this typically last?

    • Hello Anon,
      There is no set time for a pull back. Some pull backs last a few days while others last longer. Each connection is different and that is why a personalized reading can be so helpful. Thank you for your comment.

  8. Cheeni says:

    Hi Valerie,
    I found your advice impeccable. I am from India and our earlier traditional society is rapidly assuming the trends of the west. In today’ s scenerio, this befitts the outlook of the people here as well, and I am so glad it does. Keep helping women through your noble work!

    • Hello Dear One,
      Thank you so much for your encouraging comment. It is my intention that all women be in their power and true essence no matter what a man is or is not doing.

  9. Heather says:

    Your article is amazing. It helped me control my emotions for sure! I was about to react and glad I didn’t! I recently met a guy who has swept me off my feet. We hit it off very fast and he made it clear he had feelings. He took me around all his friends included me into future plans, called every night, and everything was just wonderful. I almost thought it was to good to be true and actually was a little scared myself . He does work a lot and had made a few comments about not being himself lately. I’m hoping he is using this pull back space to sort out whatever issues he has going on. We went on a boat trip this past weekend and we had a wonderful time . He seemed to be in a better mood and he even opened up more to me and told me how much he liked me and likes how things are going between us and I agreed! Then this week came and he hasn’t called just texted me very briefly. It just bumms me out I really enjoy talking to him. I’m going to give him space and just hope for the best. I’m trying to assume its work stress and possibly being scared of his feelings ? Thank you so much you are so very helpful! I was starting to get down on myself and this just totally changed my mind sett.

  10. Sarah says:

    Thank you so much for your insight. I will be contacting you for a reading. You word things in a succinct and insightful way.

  11. Emily says:

    Val, this is wonderful advice. I dated a guy in college, I really liked him. But he was way older and I was a freshman. I blew him off (met him pre-fall term) once I got involved w/ the new excitement of college and dated other guys instead. I have been friends with him on social media for a decade, but never contacted him. One day, I heard a song he use to sing to me. I decided to send him a message. We talked a few weeks pretty heavy and talked about meeting during Christmas (he’s a Marine in Mid East and only comes home once a yr or so). I think I scared him about a month ago, and he stopped correspondence. So I stopped. Then he contacted me a long kind message that explained why. I admired his honesty. He said he wants to see me one day…. Just didn’t say when (maybe depending on my response). I made it clear I don’t want a relationship but just want to see him once a year. I think he is home for Christmas. I’m hoping he contacts me. That was last week when we messaged. Do you think he will contact me before he returns after the new year? I’m acting cool about it and the ball is in his court.
    Thanks, Val! You’re insight is awesome!

    • Merry Christmas and thank you for sharing. I would love to read on the situation for you. Please feel free to book a session and I can tune into his energy and yours in order to see things on a deeper level. :)Valerie

  12. Melissa says:

    I am sorry but women need to stop tolerating this crap.
    How many of these relationships actually work out?
    Men like this are not ‘men’ they are scared, immature boys and are in NO way relationship material.
    If someone can’t even talk about what they are feeling, good luck forming any real lasting, healthy relationship with them.
    Men like this cannot be trusted, they are still too concerned with their ego, it’s selfish and toxic.
    If a man stops contacting you, erase him. Period.
    A REAL man would never test, manipulate and/or play games with the lady he loves.
    These are NOT men.

    • ANON says:

      I have to agree with you. After reading so many blogs about men “pulling back” it disgusts me that the bottom line is communication and if these men can’t grow some balls and talk openly then they shouldn’t even be in relationships. My guy was someone I knew from high school (we are both baby boomers now) and he chased me & quickly seduced me. He also made me feel like a whole woman again, and said I made him feel like a complete man again as his estranged wife stopped having sex with him for over a decade as mine did with me. I listened to Rabbi Schuley on relationships and men will cheat to affirm their manhood and women cheat because of neglect in their marriages….. I think all this was an ego stroke and after he “got” it, he is fine to go back to his wifey… because the every day texts & exciting conversations dried up after he cancelled our time together to spend the day with his wife and s-i-l. Men are weird….

  13. pauline says:

    i disagree of what Miss Melissa is saying i guess u had a bad experience
    if men pull away they have theire own reason as women pull away same situation so you need to stop accusing men are not men but what about women are not women to ?
    so if both men and women need space you need to respect that as it’s not easy to go trough a relation ship and to know it will not last because each have their own issues
    by pulling back will give them time to find themeselve and to get over there worry and this is how they will understand and appreciate each party reaction and understanding regarding the situation he is going trough. If in life you don’t understand your partner and his need stop dating and move on with your life as this life is not for you, In a relationship it take patient and understanding it’s the key of a success and healthy relation ship the give and take and be there for each other.
    hope this is clear for you to understand not to judge men as women to could go trough the same situation.

  14. Sandy says:

    Hi…I have been seeing this amazing guy for the last 4 months but known eachother for awhile before hand, and everything has been great. He has told me he has never met anyone like me before and we have this amazing connection and it’s incredible. Yes, he has also told me he loves me. But as he is divorced and has shared care with his ex. There have been major issues with how his ex treats the kids and it is really affecting him. Lately he has pulled away from me and wants space. I feel personally, that even tho he ended the marriage and doesn’t want her back, I feel this part of his life is still consuming him and I am unsure on what to do. Because he has all that to contend with, I’m not sure why he would pull away from the person who makes him happy. I would really appreciate your advice on this……Greatly appreciate it.

  15. Amy says:

    Hi Valerie do you offer one on one phone consultations?

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